I had an accident as I was driving home on the freeway today. It was, as you may imagine, a shocking experience, and I still find myself in a trembling state, five hours after it happened.
It turns out that I decided to modify my routine. Instead of staying in my office I left for home after finishing my work. Little did I imagine what would happen.
As I was nearing a major interchange where two freeways cross, I had no cause to suspect that I was entering into a dangerous situation. Traffic had been bunching up at times, alternately moving smoothly and at high speed, then slowing down before clearing up again. It was frustrating, but nothing I hadn't seen in decades of driving on California freeways.
In this case, I was on a speedy portion, having moved to the fast lane where I normally don't drive (why, why, why did I switch to that lane?) when I passed a turn in the highway, underneath an overpass that obscured somewhat my sight. I then saw with intense alarm that cars seemed to be stopped in front of me. Why couldn't I have anticipated this slowdown? I am still berating myself over and over, having made assumptions that didn't apply about my lane and about my safety.
I had a sickening, sinking and panick-stricken sensation that I would not be able to avoid the collision with the car in front of me. There was no time to look to either side of me to look for a clearing, I just had time to hit the brakes desperately, knowing as I did that I could only hope to minimize the impact, not avoid it. The tires let out a loud squealing sound, and I smashed into the car in front of me, propelled her (it was a woman in that car) into the car in front of her. It was an incredible banging impact like a thunder clap, and of course I felt the impact and a moment of terror. My airbag inflated, cutting off my vision. I did stop, but the collision had been severe, and the front of the car was caved in.
I sat in my car which was now without power. It was still in drive, but it somehow lost power. There was a whiff of smoke that was coming out of the steering wheel, and I remember feeling an intense feeling of annoyance about the radio program that was still emanating from my speakers. It was just after the NPR program "Marketplace", before "All Things Considered", thus placing the time of this accident at approximately 3:30 p.m. I wasn't thinking clearly, and it took me a few minutes to realize that I could actually turn the radio off.
I was worried as well by an intense pain I was feeling in my chest. I thought I might have hit the steering wheel but, upon reflection sometime later, and after viewing my chest in the mirror, I saw that the seatbelt must have restrained me and created that sensation of pain. I still have the bruise in the shape of the seatbelt strap along my upper chest.
It was terrible. I sat in the car, incoherent and in a state of immobile vulnerability. I couldn't step out, and found myself wondering in annoyance why the highway patrol was taking so much time to arrive. I was also looking at the car I had rear-ended, stopped a few hundred yards in front of me, and I felt an intense sense of shame. How could I do this to that person?
I didn't move until I saw the driver in front of me stepping out of her car to walk towards me. It was dangerous because we were exposed to traffic and, as one may well confirm, California drivers will stop for no one. My door would not open completely but I managed to step out and walked towards her, and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was not well, and had the presence of mind to ask her as well if she was injured. She said she was fine, but she was trembling, and I could not overcome my sense of shame, something compounded by what she told me.
It turns out that she had seen me approaching, and knew I would collide with her. I told her that I came upon her car all of a sudden, and I couldn't stop. I just couldn't anticipate what had happened. How could it have happened?! That was my despairing question that was echoing over and over in my mind, and that wouldn't leave me in peace. It was that question as well as the intense wish that I had stayed in my office, where I would have found myself in a cool environment, without having caused this suffering.
It must have been terrible for her to see a car approaching from her rear window and know that she was about to be rear-ended. I wonder if she tensed up, awaiting the impact. That would have been the worst experience for anyone, seeing approaching calamit and knowing that you couldn't avoid it. When I was rear-ended by a semi-truck seven years ago, I didn't see it coming and the impact was sudden, jarring, but ultimately not as damaging as it could have been if I had tensed up. What happens is that injuries can be compounded by settling into a protective stance, thus sacrificing the flexibility that better allows us to absorb an impact.
She was trembling, and I was incoherent. I couldn't even remember the word for "air bag", much less offer an explanation. Our illusion, especially for people who have been educated, is that we will always be able to express ourselves when we need to. We are trained to communicate, but I was stammering and could only answer after considerable hesitation. I felt bad for her and the other driver.
It took a long time for the police to arrive. In the meantime there were immature drivers who would take photos from their windows as I waited in the car. One held out his camera phone and said, "Say cheese!" as he drove right by me. Of course, people are crude and indifferent, especially at moments in which others are in need. Have I ever been that insensitive? I hope I haven't, I sincerely hope I haven't, although I know and must acknowledge shamefully that I have been annoyed when I have seen traffic stoppages due to accidents. I gave little thought to the people who must have been suffering as I and the other drivers were suffering.
I was becoming more and more desperate as the minutes passed, and I managed to dig out my phone and call home. I talked to a family member and explained my predicament, shocking her. It seemed as if the patrol would never send a car. Traffic was proceeding slowly on either side of me, and I have to confess that I felt even more fear that a car would rear-end me as I had done to the car in front of me. I caused an incredible traffic jam, right at the beginning of the perpetual calamity that is rush hour on California freeways.
Eventually, a patrolman arrived and parked behind me. He told me to see if I could move the car, and I told him I didn't think it would start. He was patient and told me to try, something I hadn't done because of my state of mental confusion. To tell the truth, I was also afraid that my car might erupt in flames if I tried to operate it, given the whiffs of smoke coming out of the steering wheel. I put it in park and did as he told me. It did start, and while he cleared traffic in the adjacent lanes (stopping the oncoming cars), I moved to the side.
They took a report, and I waited for a tow truck. Note to self: I need to upgrade my AAA membership. I was only covered for 7 miles, and the distance to my house from the accident site was 21 miles. That left 14 miles for which I was responsible, and the tow truck driver charged $10 per mile. The charge was $140, when I could have had that coverage by paying an additional $20 to AAA. My regrets compound my misery.
I was able to talk to the other gentleman involved in the accident, the one whose car was rear-ended by the car that I hit. He was an elderly Hispanic man with blue eyes, and we spoke quietly. He saw how shocked I was, and he tried to comfort me. I felt terrible as well about the impact that he had suffered, but most of my shame was caused by the plight of the woman whose car I had directly hit. Her rear bumper had been detached from her car and was still stuck to the front of my car.
As the man said, at least we weren't severly injured. My chest was still hurting, and I still found myself in a web of despair and regret that was and is clouding my thoughts, although writing always helps to provide more clarity and comfort. He said that we were all still walking, and I felt a little better. If I could have apologized I would have,but I didn't have the sense of mind (nor the propiety) to do so. He looked at my totalled car and said, "It is all material", in Spanish. We spoke in that language.
In the end, the tow truck arrived and we hitched the car. I was still feeling despair and shame about the other drivers, and would have approached them again, especially the woman (either a Latina or an Asian) who I had hit. How can I apologize to them? I never saw her car until the last few seconds before the impact. How could I have missed it, and why, why, why didn't I stay at work and wait until 6:30 p.m. to drive home, as was my custom? I wish I had stayed there, and am still blaming myself.
If I had stayed in my office it would have, hopefully, been another uneventful afternoon. I didn't need to stay there, since I teach, and I only need to remain until I finish my office hours. I had finished, but decided not to remain reading and waiting in boredom on campus until rush hour had passed. I decided to try to make it home, and it had been an uneventful drive until that last stretch.
The thing is that I am having difficulty understanding the concept of an accident, an occurence that takes place and is utterly unanticipated. The fact is, we are all fragile beings, and none of us can handle all the unanticipated conditions that we encounter. That is the definition of an accident, an unforeseen circumstance or condition that impinges on our life and which we are not able to accomodate in a successful manner. I have to resist the temptation to be judgemental even though I know that I will be assuming responsability for this accident, from a legal framework and economic framework. (Well, insurance will cover me, but I will pay the cost in terms of premiums that will be raised.) This is an accident and I was unfortunate enough to encounter conditions that I couldn't handle. Yes, accidents involve a crushing sense of humiliation, as if I wasn't humble enough already.
I'm not trying to dodge blame, but part of me doesn't accept it. Is it a matter of fairness? Who can I appeal to? There is no cosmic authority to which I may address my complaint, no judge although it is ideologically comforting to believe that there will be a tribunal to which I may address my argument. I should be grateful that I wasn't maimed, and that the other drivers appeared not to be injured, but I feel a strange sense of impotence. I am forced to admit that I blame myself, and I am having a hard time trying to shake this crushing sensation.
My despair comes from asking what I could have done to avoid this situation. I wonder if everyone involved in an accident engages in this type of reflection. What if? I would be much safer if I had not done what I did, but how many calamities may have been incurred in other instances when I had acted differently? How many times have I counted myself fortunate by unanticipated luck? The answer is, many, many times. I've had many near-misses these past few years, and many moments of shock and panic when I though something would happen to me but it didn't. It isn't about karma, that concept of some cosmic balance that we can't avoid. It is about chance and accidents.
I'm still obsessed by the thought of how I could have avoided my misfortune. This is a useless exercise because we aren't accepting that it has already occurred and, therapeutically, the healthiest thing we can do is move on and resolve the problem, rather than engaging in this fantasy speculation about a world in which this misfortune hadn't occurred.
People do it all the time. What if I had only said those last words to a family member who passed away suddenly? What if I had checked a seat belt, or checked the stove, or verified some item of information before I left and found myself with a grave problem because of a supposed oversight?
That is what I am feeling at this point. The burden of shame, regret and what if.
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